Near Death/Clinical Death experiences
For years it has been used to promote the existence of an afterlife. The process of near death experiences has baffled doctors and scientists for years and has been seen as “proof” in the existence of god by various Christian groups. However, reporters at kneelb4me.com have uncovered an elaborate conspiracy surrounding this phenomenon, one which promises to “show the depths in which Christian leaders are willing to plunge”, in order to propagate the myth of life after death.
Cocktail of Lies
Using information supplied by the European Medical Ethics Committee, blood spectral analysis data was obtained from patience claiming to have recently experienced the near death phenomenon. The study produced some fascinating results.
“Every single patient who had a NDE showed an elevated level of phenol-bynitrinolic acid in their blood.” Claimed Dr Jonathan Gillibraith, head of the Oxford medical research centre.
“It’s not a naturally occurring enzyme, but one that’s easy to miss because it has the same characteristics as any luteinizing hormone. It’s usually administered to clinically obese patience before surgery by the anaesthesiologist. The percentage mix is absolutely critical, and although there has been very little research on the matter, if administered incorrectly it has been known to produce LSD type reactions, especially when combined with an external trauma or blood loss.”
When asked how this drug entered the bloodstream of these patience, Gillibraith became agitated. “That’s the mystery. It shouldn’t be there at all. After looking for possible causes, diet, genetic disposition, even self abuse I’ve finally been forced to check the personnel records of all nurses and doctors working the wards when these NDE’s happened. Initially nothing sinister was observed, but then I began to notice the same names crop up over and over.”
The names of the hospital workers were given to a private detective agency. No information other than names and addresses were given. “They’re all Catholics” explained the detective. “And they’re all pretty damned devout. Although none of them are high up the Catholic food-chain, they seem to have an inordinate amount of influence over their local parishes.” When asked about their movements over the last few years, the detective raised a cynical smile. “I was going to mention that” he grinned. “They’re all pretty mobile. None of them will stay in the same place for more than 18 months, yet they have the best apartments, and always land the best jobs.”
Confession
Jane Woodward, a devout Catholic and nurse for over 15 years was approached by kneelb4me.com after her name repeatedly appeared on the list. She was warned of the legal implications of her alleged actions. Head in hands she opened the can on one of the most damning conspiracies of modern times.
“It was never meant to be a regular thing” She told us, “Just one or two, get a few headlines in the papers and hopefully a few more bums on seats. The problem is, it became so successful the powers that be insisted on making it a regular thing. Once you’d done a patient, it was quite difficult to say no to another.”
Have you had a near death experience? Would you like to claim personal damages from the Catholic Church? Contact the Editor of kneelb4me for more details
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