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The oldest known bible has finally been reassembled by reuniting its scattered parts for the first time since its discovery. New Testament experts have noticed the huge differences between the modern bible and the newly assembled codex. Some of the differences are negligible, but some threaten to undermine the basics of Christian theology.

Professor Nikoli Pont, bible scholar and leading expert on ancient manuscripts gave a damning verdict on this new discovery. In a recent seminar he described the new finding as “the end of Christianity as we know it.” Those in attendance, many from the Vatican were visibly distressed, some left in tears.

However, some Christians are now seeing the codex as a “new light” – an intervention by god to give mankind a more accurate path to follow. Aaron Pridham, Pastor of the new Protestant church “The Pink Cross” expressed his delight at the discovery of the new books. From his flat in Brighton he told our reporter, “Sections of the codex actively promote loving homosexual relationships, something the old version never really did” He lisped. “We knew Christ could not possibly turn his back on his gay following and now we have real proof that Jesus was himself a practicing homosexual”

“Acts” of the Apostles
The promotion of homosexuality within the new codex is seen by many as the biggest upset in the bible. The entire book Acts of the Apostles, the 5th book in the New Testament, not only recounts the lives and works of the apostles of Jesus, but the various “acts” Jesus and his disciples engaged in. Previously the concept of apostolic succession – or the uninterrupted linage of bishops traceable back to the original 12 apostles was seen as one of the four elements which define the Church of Jesus Christ. It is now understood to be the passing of sacred fluids from bishop to young male members of the congregation.

Saint Peter, “The Rock”
Peter, one of the first apostles chosen by Jesus is mentioned prominently in the New Testament Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles. Verses within the codex give a new insight into his position among the apostles. Chapters describing Peter’s fallace as “being made from the rock of a tomb door” may give a clear understanding why he was Jesus’ personal favourite. When Matthew described Peter walking on water, it was reasonably thought he began to sink when he lost faith. A new codex verse now show it was a practical joke initiated by Jesus to highlight the fact that his fallace was indeed “like a rock”