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The Codex

2008-10-07T11:21:00Z

The oldest known bible has finally been reassembled by reuniting its scattered parts for the first time since its discovery. New Testament experts have noticed the huge differences between the modern bible and the newly assembled codex. Some of the differences are negligible, but some threaten to undermine the basics of Christian theology.

Professor Nikoli Pont, bible scholar and leading expert on ancient manuscripts gave a damning verdict on this new discovery. In a recent seminar he described the new finding as “the end of Christianity as we know it.” Those in attendance, many from the Vatican were visibly distressed, some left in tears.

However, some Christians are now seeing the codex as a “new light” – an intervention by god to give mankind a more accurate path to follow. Aaron Pridham, Pastor of the new Protestant church “The Pink Cross” expressed his delight at the discovery of the new books. From his flat in Brighton he told our reporter, “Sections of the codex actively promote loving homosexual relationships, something the old version never really did” He lisped. “We knew Christ could not possibly turn his back on his gay following and now we have real proof that Jesus was himself a practicing homosexual”

“Acts” of the Apostles
The promotion of homosexuality within the new codex is seen by many as the biggest upset in the bible. The entire book Acts of the Apostles, the 5th book in the New Testament, not only recounts the lives and works of the apostles of Jesus, but the various “acts” Jesus and his disciples engaged in. Previously the concept of apostolic succession – or the uninterrupted linage of bishops traceable back to the original 12 apostles was seen as one of the four elements which define the Church of Jesus Christ. It is now understood to be the passing of sacred fluids from bishop to young male members of the congregation.

Saint Peter, “The Rock”
Peter, one of the first apostles chosen by Jesus is mentioned prominently in the New Testament Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles. Verses within the codex give a new insight into his position among the apostles. Chapters describing Peter’s fallace as “being made from the rock of a tomb door” may give a clear understanding why he was Jesus’ personal favourite. When Matthew described Peter walking on water, it was reasonably thought he began to sink when he lost faith. A new codex verse now show it was a practical joke initiated by Jesus to highlight the fact that his fallace was indeed “like a rock”

America worse off 'because they have God on their side'

2008-02-16T15:06:00Z

By Kneelb4me’s US Religion Correspondent

RELIGIOUS belief causes damage to society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion,sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but actually are the cause of all social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

It compares the social peformance of relatively secular countries, such as Britain, with the US, where the majority believes in a creator rather than the theory of evolution. Many christians in the US consider Darwinism to be a social evil, believing that it inspires atheism and thus amorality.

US Vs Europe

Christians and believers of other faiths hold that religious belief is socially beneficial, believing it helps to lower rates of violent crime, murder, suicide, sexual promiscuity and abortion. The benefits of religious belief to a society have been described as its “spiritual capital”. But the study claims that the devotion of many in the US may actually be the cause of its ills.

The paper, published in the Journal of Religion and Societies Uneducated, a US academic journal, reports: “Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world.

“Without question, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate directly with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion…”

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Gregory French, the author of the study and a social scientist, used data from the International Social Survey Programme, Gallup and other research bodies to reach his conclusions.

He compared social indicators such as murder rates, abortion, suicide, teenage pregnancy and canabilisim.

The study concluded that the US was the world’s only prosperous democracy where murder rates were still high, and that the least devout nations were the least dysfunctional. Mr French said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

Mr French added: “The study shows that England, despite minor social ills, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

Mr French delayed releasing the study until now because of political pressure. He said that the evidence accumulated by a number of different studies suggested that religion actually causes social ills. “I suspect that Europeans are increasingly repelled by the poor societal performance of the Christian states,” he added.

He said that most Western nations would become more religious only if the theory of evolution could be overturned and the existence of God scientifically proven. Likewise, the theory of evolution would not enjoy majority support in the US unless there was a marked decline in religious belief, Mr French said.

“The non-religious, proevolution democracies contradict the dictum that a society cannot enjoy good conditions unless most citizens ardently believe in a moral creator.

“The widely held fear that a Godless citizenry must experience societal disaster is therefore completely refuted.”

Prince to join Scientology cult

2008-02-15T12:42:00Z

Grammy award winning recording artist Prince was last night seen attending a Scientology seminar. Sources close to the artist say that he has grown “disillusioned with his current religion and is looking for more personal and musical freedom.” Prince, 50 a member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for 8 years, seen selling copies of the Watchtower magazine to members of the public on various occasions was recently spotted with strange ink markings scrawled across his face – reminiscent of his infamous battle with Warner Brothers. Eyewitnesses claim the face markings say “Miscavige”, the name of the current leader of the Scientology religion.

Anger

Although Princes relationship with his local congregation has been good, word has it that the governing body – the head of the Jehovah’s Witness religion, were not impressed with his recent performance at London’s O2 arena. Many Jehovah’s Witnesses attending were shocked to see Prince dancing seductively with women. Many of the songs he performed promoted fornication, and his wardrobe was not that of a “Christian publisher”

Bill Sanders, an elder from the Lewisham congregation in South London said, “I was shocked, outraged and stumbled by his performance. I will be writing a stern letter to Bethel (local headquarters) demanding an immediate judicial meeting be held”

Lisa Partnage, a full time pioneer (evangelizer) was offended by Princes androgynous appearance. “A man wearing high heels and makeup promotes homosexuality.” She sobbed. “Prince must know that gays are an abomination to Jehovah, so why he chooses to dress like one is a mystery to me. I feel like my faith has been shaken…I need to pray for him”

Scientology

Scientology, criticized in the press recently for its brainwashing techniques, has been outlawed in many European countries. Its most famous follower, Tom Cruise, had a private video leaked onto YouTube showing the actor talking passionately about his faith. The theme tune to his Mission Impossible film was added for comic effect.

A spokesman for the Minneapolis branch of Scientology made the following statement, “The Artist currently known as Prince has made a few enquires into our beliefs and doctrines. No monies have been exchanged so technically, he isn’t a member yet”

Rumours that Prince was about to re-release a remixed version of his 2004 hit album “Musicology” with the title track renamed to “Scientology” was found on internet fan websites.

Prince has refused to comment

Jehovah’s Witnesses – The people who wake you up on a Saturday morning.

2008-01-31T13:52:00Z

Jehovah’s Witnesses are members of a Christian-based religious movement founded in the USA towards the end of the 19th century under the leadership of Charles Taze Russell. There are about 6.5 million active Witnesses in 235 countries in the world (2005), including 1 million in the USA and 125,000 in the UK. Members of the movement are probably best known for their door-to-door evangelical work; from house to house, offering Bible literature and recruiting and converting people to the truth. Although Christian-based, the group believes the traditional Christian Churches have deviated from the true teachings of the Bible, and are affiliated with Satan. Although Jehovah’s Witnesses claim to base their beliefs solely on the text of the Bible and refute the “fundamentalist” label, they predominately use magazines and booklets published by the Watchtower and Tract Society – the billion dollar publishing arm of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They believe the Bible is the divinely inspired and historically accurate Word of God which cannot be understood without the guidance of their numerous teaching aids. Members reject the “sinful values” of the secular world and maintain a degree of separation from non-believers – they are “in the world” but not “of the world”. The recently reported “Paedophile scandal” was dismissed by most witnesses as an “Attack by Satan” and not based on any truth or facts. Witnesses do not celebrate Christmas or Easter because they believe these festivals are based on pagan customs and religions. They point out that Jesus did not ask his followers to mark his birthday. The church is strongly millennial and believes that humanity is now in the ‘last days’ and that the final battle between good and evil will happen very soon.

Question your Leader – An interview with ‘Jehovah’s Earthly organization’

Kneelb4me.com has been granted a rare Q&A interview with the two members of the Governing body and the President of the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania; commonly known as Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Do you believe Adam was created by God in the Garden of Eden as a fully formed adults, that a snake spoke to Eve, that Moses parted the Red Sea and that trumpets caused the walls of Jericho to fall? Yes

Do you believe the virgin birth, physical resurrection, atonement by the death of Christ, and the Second Coming? Yes

Do you view the Bible as historically accurate? Yes

Do you view the Bible as infallible? Yes

Are you a fundamentalist Christian religion? No

Ok, why don’t you accept blood? We follow the Bible command, found at Acts chapter 15, verse 20, Acts chapter 21, verse 25, and elsewhere, that Christians must “abstain from . . .”

The Bible verses you quote refer to eating or drinking it. What scripture extends this to blood transfusion? Transfusions were not available during biblical times, but the principles are there for us to follow.

If the scriptures ban blood transfusion why do you allow transfusion of all blood fractions while banning transfusion of whole blood? Blood fractions are not blood – just fractions of blood.

You’ve never allowed your members transfusions of full blood, but since June 2000 you’ve allowed them to accept transfusions of all separate components of blood. If this rule was introduced 10 years earlier it could have save the lives of approximately 278 people. Our lawyers have requested we do not answer that question

Your organization was recently criticized for its stance on Child molestation. Some say your “two eyewitness rule” encourages child abuse and dissuades those abused from seeking help either internally or from professionals. Could you clear up the matter? There is nothing wrong with Jehovah’s rule of prosecution. The problem lies with the TV companies and newspapers encouraging the defamation of Jehovah’s name. These companies are controlled by the “Wicked one” who is determined to mislead Jehovah’s people.

The two-eyewitness rule states that any crime committed can only be prosecuted if two people witness the crime (2Cor.13:1, 1 Tim. 5:19)

What about the infamous Paedophile database containing nearly 30,000 names? Our lawyers have requested we do not answer that question.

Annual financial statements show you to be one of New York’s highest earning companies. Your organization is worth billions. Do you not see a conflict of interest? No conflict whatsoever. This money is needed to maintain our huge property portfolio. It enables us to send overseers to poverty stricken countries that need spiritual food and to keep our printing presses running day and night.

What is the point of having a huge property portfolio when you believe the end of the world is so close? No one knows when Armageddon will come. Leaving billions lying around in a bank account is not good business.

For decades you have criticized the churches of Christendom for their political involvement. The Watchtower has pointed to the statements of the clergy hailing the United Nations as being “the political expression of the kingdom of God,” as indicative of Christendom’s apostate condition. Yet for 10 years you had an affiliation with the very organization that you had previously denounced. Once the Guardian newspaper broke the story, you withdrew membership and issued a statement claiming the UN was used for research purposes only. Comments? What people do not realise is that we are at war. This is not a physical war but a spiritual war. We became a Non-governmental organization to access the U.N.’s vast library. In doing so we had to promote the United Nations within our magazines. We did this in such a way that our readers wouldn’t really notice, but it gave us access to information previously unavailable. Remember, we are at war with the world. In a war, you lie, you cheat, you kill and the means justifies the end. This is no different.

Anyone wishing to further their knowledge of Jehovah’s Witness can request a home bible study from their official website. However, for an accurate insight into this organisation, consider visiting Jehovahs Witnesses forum or Silent Lambs

Near Death/Clinical Death experiences

2008-01-29T17:18:00Z

For years it has been used to promote the existence of an afterlife. The process of near death experiences has baffled doctors and scientists for years and has been seen as “proof” in the existence of god by various Christian groups. However, reporters at kneelb4me.com have uncovered an elaborate conspiracy surrounding this phenomenon, one which promises to “show the depths in which Christian leaders are willing to plunge”, in order to propagate the myth of life after death.

Cocktail of Lies

Using information supplied by the European Medical Ethics Committee, blood spectral analysis data was obtained from patience claiming to have recently experienced the near death phenomenon. The study produced some fascinating results.

“Every single patient who had a NDE showed an elevated level of phenol-bynitrinolic acid in their blood.” Claimed Dr Jonathan Gillibraith, head of the Oxford medical research centre.

“It’s not a naturally occurring enzyme, but one that’s easy to miss because it has the same characteristics as any luteinizing hormone. It’s usually administered to clinically obese patience before surgery by the anaesthesiologist. The percentage mix is absolutely critical, and although there has been very little research on the matter, if administered incorrectly it has been known to produce LSD type reactions, especially when combined with an external trauma or blood loss.”

When asked how this drug entered the bloodstream of these patience, Gillibraith became agitated. “That’s the mystery. It shouldn’t be there at all. After looking for possible causes, diet, genetic disposition, even self abuse I’ve finally been forced to check the personnel records of all nurses and doctors working the wards when these NDE’s happened. Initially nothing sinister was observed, but then I began to notice the same names crop up over and over.”

The names of the hospital workers were given to a private detective agency. No information other than names and addresses were given. “They’re all Catholics” explained the detective. “And they’re all pretty damned devout. Although none of them are high up the Catholic food-chain, they seem to have an inordinate amount of influence over their local parishes.” When asked about their movements over the last few years, the detective raised a cynical smile. “I was going to mention that” he grinned. “They’re all pretty mobile. None of them will stay in the same place for more than 18 months, yet they have the best apartments, and always land the best jobs.”

Confession

Jane Woodward, a devout Catholic and nurse for over 15 years was approached by kneelb4me.com after her name repeatedly appeared on the list. She was warned of the legal implications of her alleged actions. Head in hands she opened the can on one of the most damning conspiracies of modern times.

“It was never meant to be a regular thing” She told us, “Just one or two, get a few headlines in the papers and hopefully a few more bums on seats. The problem is, it became so successful the powers that be insisted on making it a regular thing. Once you’d done a patient, it was quite difficult to say no to another.”

Have you had a near death experience? Would you like to claim personal damages from the Catholic Church? Contact the Editor of kneelb4me for more details

Atheism to be outlawed

2007-08-07T08:38:00Z

Atheists will no longer be able to claim god doesn’t exist for fear of offending Christians and Muslims, under radical social welfare changes announced by Peter Hain.

Up to 4000 atheists who previously published scientific and philosophical journals are having their work systematically removed from libraries and universities across the UK.

Yesterday, Social Welfare minister Jonathan Bilgraith told religious leaders there would be dramatic changes as part of the new Brown government, which he hoped other European countries follow.

From January 2008 it will be compulsory to be affiliated with a religious group. This, they believe will instantly solve most social and economic problems being faced today.

According to an editor at BBC News 24, the torrent of information from the public helped shape the new policy. The editor also “leaked” a document from the Church of England demanding its congregation sign the Downing St petition against organized atheism.

The Right Reverend and Right Honourable Richard John Carew Chartes is adamant the governments heavy handed approach is what society needs. Speaking from his home in Dean’s Court, London, the Bishop issued the following statement, “Atheism is a selfish and sinful path that leads to the destruction of the immortal soul. Forcing people to chose a faith is the next step in Christ’s evangelizing work. By removing science, reason, debate, conjecture and independent thought, we can finally say we have engineered a society modelled on Christian principles.”

When asked what happens to those who wont conform, the Bishop lowered his voice and said, “Remember what happened to Christians during the Roman empire? Well the tables have finally turned”

Last night, the London and Whipsnade Zoo Lion enclosures were closed off to the public until further notice.

Harry Potter Religion

2007-07-19T13:54:00Z

Harry Potter novels and films have been declared by a church in Kent as a new type of theology

A youth worker at St Margaret’s Church in Rainham has created a new pseudo-Christian religion based on the life of Jesus and morals from the JK Rowling stories.

Owen Smith, who preaches the new religion, said: “It’s all about morals… dealing with issues of trust, issues of love and sacrifice.”

Some faith groups previously accused the books of glamorising the occult. Stephen Green, of Christian Voice, said: “It could be a doorway to the occult. Young children want to act out the things that they read and that they see on the television. “And when they do that they are likely to want to turn it into reality.”

But the Harry Potter Christianity as gained the Vatican’s seal of approval. An official said the new theology helped children “to see the difference between good and evil and will hopefully attract more people to god”

Harry Potter author and billionaire, J K Rowling was unavailable for comment

The US House of Representatives has voted to remove all restrictions on federal funds for stem-cell research

2007-06-08T17:02:00Z

The House of Representatives have voted by 247 to 176 to pass legislation removing all restrictions on stem-cell research.The general feeling among the Representatives is there is no chance Congress will be able to muster the two-thirds majority needed to override a presidential veto. Mr Bush, who last year vetoed a similar draft bill, has vowed to do so again. When publicly asked why he was so apposed to stem-cell research, Mr Bush replied, “ It aint a Christian thing to do” In response to Mr Bush’s comments, Democrats argue that the restrictions are impeding vital medical research. Christian pressure groups say the research requires the destruction of human embryos, which they consider a human life, and argue alternative methods are showing promise.

STEM CELL “WITCHCRAFT”

Stem cells are immature cells, created shortly after conception, which have the capacity to turn into any kind of tissue in the body. Scientists hope to use stem cells taken from frozen human embryos to repair tissue affected by disease or injury. They say the research could provide breakthroughs in the treatment of debilitating diseases like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. However, pressure groups have been labelling the research as “medical witchcraft”. Leading the revolt is Dr Nicholas Yelland, director of the anti-abortion group CAMASCR* “”If this bill were to become law, American taxpayers would for the first time in our history be compelled to support the deliberate destruction of American embryos. Crossing that line would be a grave mistake. We cannot allow these godless people to destroy our favour with god. Thank god for President Bush. God bless America” Democratic Representative Diana DeGette, who backed the bill in the House, described stem-cell research as “the most promising source of potential treatments and cures” for sufferers of such conditions. “Unfortunately, because of the stubbornness of one man – President Bush – these people continue to suffer as they wait,” she said. Dr Nicholas Yelland countered that “passing the bill will most definitely lead to research developments that would eventually require the killing of millions of White American embryos. The process of extracting stem cells from an embryo destroys that entity; and is no difference to abortion. The president has already offered to fund an alternative form of research, which uses cells taken from amniotic fluid, placentas and from embryos that have died naturally, but it just isn’t enough for these nigger loving Democrats.”

A recent survey suggested the majority of Americans have no idea what stem-cell research is or what it means.

Creationist “Theme Park” to rival Disney

2007-05-01T08:49:00Z

American Philanthropist and staunch Creationist Kelvin Mark of New York has announced plans to build a Creationist Theme park which promises to “Educate and Entertain the American public”.

In a press conference held at his Manhattan home, Mr Mark described details of the Park and what he hoped to achieve.

“This isn’t about making money, its about providing scriptural entertainment that the whole family will find beneficial. For too long the educated and open minded have infected our society with theories and conjecture, using science and other tools of the devil with the sole purpose of undermining Christian values. Our main goal is to shoehorn our fundamentalist propaganda into the minds of the young, uneducated and desperate.”

Posing as Christian missionaries from London, reporters from kneeb4me.com obtained letters containing suggestions and comments for future Park activities and rides.

“I want to be able to whip Jews”, requested Rev Clayton Geoffrey. “Whip ‘em ’till they stop moving. That’ll teach those big nosed, Jesus murdering monkeys a lesson”

“I would like a traditional Christian campfire sing-song”, wrote Sister Stacy Steadman. “Obviously we’d be using Devil books to feed the fire. Not just Dawkins, Darwin, Gödel and Singh, but lesser known satanic books like High School Biology, Math, Physics and Chemistry textbooks.

“No blacks” sneered Mr G.A Gority. “There’s no place in heaven for descendants of Cain, and I don’t want them looking at my daughters. Those people can’t help themselves!”

Kneelb4me.com has asked Kelvin Marks office to comment on the mentality of people his Park is attracting. Mr Marks office refused to comment.

Pope warns against “Wrinkles and Shadows”

2007-04-26T14:51:00Z

Pope Benedict XVI has warned of the dangers caused by paedophile priests

“Wrinkles and shadows” had obscured the face of the whole church he told about 80 Catholic bishops, an apparent reference to the scandals caused by paedophile priests.

“We must take care when abusing young people…We must cover our tracks”

He told them he acknowledged the dramatic shortage of young people attending church in Germany and suggested new ways of grooming.

“Puppies and sweets no loner work” he drooled. “Todays children are interested in video games, fast food and dead-eyed celebrities”

The 80 Bishops in attendance applauded the Popes vision.

“Catholic morals and ethics are urging a future where the Church remained truly young in spirit,while not appearing to be wrinkles and shadows.”

Dangers

At the earlier Mass held on the Church’s World Youth Day, crowds stretched back as far as the eye could see, kneelb4me’s reporter witnessed.

Boys, some as young 4 were being lured into white dome shaped cars with a promise of the latest Playstation console.

As young boys were being herded into vans, parents swayed hypnotically to the music of Faure’s Requiem.

The World Youth day is held in a different part of the world each year. This years celebration was held in Berlin which reported a 52% increase in missing children.

Christian ‘values’ campaign

2007-01-17T21:23:00Z

The Welsh Christian Party has promised to promote “traditional values” if it won seats in the assembly election

The party is running candidates in all five Welsh electoral regions and says it aims to “restore faith in society” as people no longer trust politicians.

The party wants stronger laws to keep a weekly day of rest, abortions banned and a referendum on the death penalty

It would also push for compulsory religious education in schools “with no obligation to promote other faiths”.

Welsh Christian Party leader Jeff Green said “When you’re looking for a party to stand up for, shall we say, traditional values, there isn’t one to find – they’re all the same”

“The Welsh Christian Party is the only party that promises to take its constituents back to what we refer to the good old days. We promise to outlaw women voters. We promise to remove the evil that is the National Health system and replace it with Prayer halls. There will be no more education for the poor and only the wealthy will be allowed to read the bible.

In the introduction to the party’s 55-page manifesto, Mr Green said laws were being passed which were “curtailing our religious freedom so to such an extent that we are hardly allowed (to) express age-old truths without being called bigots, fanatics or racist”.

He argued its policies were based on the principle of ensuring that “God’s laws, God’s strategies and God’s solutions” are heard. “Anyone turning their back on Gods word will be punished”.

When asked what this punishment would be, Mr Green raised his fist and chased our reporter áway.

The kneelb4me headoffice recieved a letter of apology from Mr Green two days after the insident. The letter also contained some interesting proposals.

Specific proposals include replacing the red dragon on the Welsh flag with the gold cross of St David.

The party called the red dragon a symbol of the devil in the scriptures.